Just got back from Cebu. The trip was bitter sweet. And I say this with a hint of sadness knowing that the home I left does not feel the same anymore. Don't get me wrong, Cebu will always be my north. My beacon. The one place that i will always be returning to. But something is just not right anymore. I felt like a stranger, a tourist in a place that I know so well. It is still home, but not really.
Now I'm back at the barracks where I have not felt at home yet. Although, I have "family" here. There is a certain emptiness in this place that cannot be filled. It is just not home.
Which makes me wonder, where is "home" now?
I have racked my brain for the answer and what keeps coming to mind is the saying, "home is where the heart is". I guess that is my answer, I need to find where my heart is to find myself a home.
:(
By cating
reading..
weighing..
scared shitless..
woke today feeling scared of the future. for months, i have had this plan that requires a major adjustment on my part. i have psyched myself that i can do it. that it is just a matter of diving into the water head first.
but today, i am not so sure. i need to either psych myself up some more or make changes in my plan. i don't know which i am leaning more on. all i know is that i need to make a decision soon.
scared shitless.
for the past weeks, i have had this constant struggle with myself. a struggle of being transported back in time and staying where i am. oftentimes i find myself in the past, which did not sit well with me. i constantly asked myself what it meant, why i am allowing myself to be in the past. and so the struggle intensifies. but then i let go and just let things flow. it is then that i remember everything. not just the good but all the bad as well.
that is one great thing about being engulfed in the past, memories come freely. you do not have hold over what you remember. everything is up for the grabs, the good, the bad, the ugly. emotions are at battle, which can be tiresome but this is where enlightenment comes in.
the struggle is over. i am thankful for the memories but i like my present life better. it takes a trip down memory lane for me to gain deeper appreciation of what i have. i guess looking back is not a bad thing to do as long as that is all that i do. look.
in the waging war of emotions when dealing with the past, it is always best to stop, look, and listen to our hearts. this is where we find the answers to questions we never knew we were asking ourselves.
while listening to one of the playlists in 8tracks, i heard leona lewis' better in time.
i remembered this was my song while i was nursing my broken heart. was on constant replay on all my gadgets. listening to it now, i remember how i was trying to convince myself that it will get better in time. and it really does. more than a year later, everything is better and brighter. you just have to believe that you can get through the pain.
sharing this
song to someone out there who might be needing it.
